Substitute for Love Read online

  Holly’s lips trembled, and she knew that Jo would not mistake her tears for rain. “I don’t know if I want to see you again.”

  Jo looked stricken. “Then I really am sorry.” Her lips trembled. “I’ll wait to hear from you then.”

  Holly had her door open when Jo spoke again.

  “I thought I loved Rod, but then I grew up.”

  Holly glanced up, puzzled, but after a searching gaze, Jo hurried away.

  A pall hung over the office when she returned to work, but she didn’t notice it until she was seated at her desk. The scene with Jo had left her head spinning with … anger, mostly. Jo had no right to judge her relationship with Clay. Jo didn’t understand. Nothing she had said was true.

  She entered her computer password without noticing the unnatural silence and was confronted by more than a dozen instant message screens. Then she realized the only audible sounds were the beeps that heralded the messages.

  She flicked through the screens with horror. Everyone wanted to know what she thought of the fact that Tori had just been fired.

  She slipped down the silent row of cubicles to find Tori.

  Tori was obviously trying not to cry, but her eyes glittered with angry tears.

  Holly pitched her voice low. “What happened?”

  “I missed the mail deadline on the presentation,” Tori snapped, making no effort to avoid being overheard. “I was only told last night that it had to go today. And two hours ago he tells me to reverify everything and it’s still supposed to go in the afternoon pouch. Which is impossible. Then he tells me I’ve had plenty of opportunities to figure out how he works and I’m not catching on. After four years, here’s two weeks’ severance and get out.”

  “I can’t believe it.” Tori had worked successfully with at least a dozen different actuaries. Jim Felker was the first one who had had problems with the quality of her work.

  “Neither can I.” Tori picked up the photograph she’d had on her desk since New Year’s and added it to the others in the box she was packing.

  With a sense of detached horror, Holly stared down at the picture. She’d studied it when she’d first noticed it because Tori looked fabulous. It had been taken at a New Year’s Eve soiree, and she and Geena were both dressed to the nines, Tori in an evening gown that highlighted generous curves and Geena in black pantsuit that glittered with sequins. Geena’s arm rested casually around Tori’s waist and they looked happy and relaxed. The picture had been there for several weeks now, replacing an old one of the two of them in hiking gear. It was the only picture on her desk. What on earth had Jim Felker been referring to earlier?

  With a sick sensation in her stomach, Holly put two and two together. God — he had meant Geena. He had described Tori as obsessed with her private life because Tori was gay.

  “Did he… say anything else?”

  “He said sometimes people just aren’t compatible. He thought I’d be more … comfortable … elsewhere. Someplace other than fascist Orange County, I’m sure.”

  “Shit.” Holly was willing to bet that the driver had thought Rosa Parks would be more comfortable in the back of the bus. She was well aware that Orange County was overwhelmingly conservative, but there was finally a state law that banned discrimination in employment against gays. How was Jim Felker going to get away with this? Where was Sue?

  Tori looked at her sharply, then nodded. “Yeah, that’s what I figure. I thought it was okay to be out, even in our little corner of California. I’ve been out the whole time. He’s the one who’s new. And it’s not like I spend much time talking about my private life — not like some people.” She sent a bitter gaze in the direction of Diane’s cubicle. Diane was notorious for talking about her last tryst and devoting hours to arranging her next one. In Holly’s opinion, Diane ought to have been reined in long ago. She’d said as much to Sue during a quarterly review. Diane wasn’t half as productive as Tori.

  She realized then that she would be the one expected to train Tori’s replacement. She’d be the one reviewing all of the newcomer’s work for three months.

  It wasn’t fair. Holly knew the inconvenience to her was nothing compared to what Tori was going through. None of it was fair.

  “Don’t leave until I get back,” she told Tori.

  As she walked toward Jim’s office she knew what she was going to do. She made up her mind all in an instant and then had the gratifying thought that Clay, for once, would applaud her lapse into spontaneous action.

  She entered Jim’s office without knocking. That was a first for her. She surprised Sue, their unit manager, in the midst of an angry exchange with a mulish-looking Jim. “Would anyone like my opinion?”

  Sue didn’t answer until the office door had closed. Then she pushed back the gray lock that had escaped from her habitual tight bun. “Holly, I know you’re probably upset, but employee relations don’t come under your purview—”

  “Except when I have to help hire, train and manage the new person. You’re throwing away someone who is very good at what she does, regardless of what the new kid on the block thinks.” Holly was breathing hard and unsure where her courage was coming from. But she would not back down.

  Sue, normally unflappable, seemed to be having a hard time controlling her temper as well. “As I said, this matter does not concern you.”

  “He shouldn’t have the authority to fire her. That has always been a screwed-up policy. The analysts report to you, but an actuary can fire any of us.”

  “She missed an important deadline,” Jim pronounced.

  “An impossible deadline she only knew about for less than a day. And you had her reverifying data I offered to check over.” She turned to Sue. “He fired her because she’s gay. Anything else is just crap.”

  Sue favored Jim with a look that said she’d happily supervise torture designed just for him. She turned reso-utely back to Holly. “Work quality has suffered.”

  Dumbfounded by Sue’s defense of what Jim had done, Holly said with her last bit of patience, “Think about it statistically, Sue. One actuary in the more than dozen Tori has worked with finds problems with her work. Logically, the problem lies with the actuary, not with Tori.”

  Jim came to life. “That’s dangerously close to insubordination.”

  “Are you going to fire me, too?”

  “I don’t know why you’re defending her.” Jim’s whining tone grated on Holly’s last nerve. “It’s not as if you’re like her. You’re normal. People like us shouldn’t have to put up with her constant reminders about her sex life.”

  “In the four years I’ve worked with her, Tori has never referred to her sex life. Diane, however, spent a year in a work-hours-only cybersex relationship with some guy in accounting. A fact which I mentioned to you, Sue. Diane still works here, getting full-time pay for half-time productivity.”

  Sue was near an exploding point. She knew Sue had been with Alpha Indemnity for nearly thirty years, and yet Holly had never heard of Sue losing it over anything. “None of this is relevant — “

  “I’ll testify for Tori if she wants to get a lawyer. This is discrimination, plain and simple.”

  Jim said smugly, “It’ll be hard to find a sympathetic judge for her kind in Orange County. She was tardy twice this month, too.”

  Sue slapped her hand down on his desk. “Will you just be quietV She swallowed hard and turned a steely gaze on Holly. “For the last time, this does not concern you.”

  “Tardy? What kind of joke is that? We all work late all the time!” Holly took a deep breath. This was unbelievable. She could hear Clay urging her on. It was the right thing to do. Talking to Felker wouldn’t get her anywhere. She gave Sue one last try. “I’ve always respected you, Sue. I know it’s not easy managing a group of highly paid, know-it-all professionals, but you do it well. Until now, you’ve managed to keep the relationships between us analysts and the actuaries calm. But this is too much. I can’t believe you don’t see how wrong it is. Tardy — that
’s just crap and you know it.”

  Sue said nothing, though her lips worked with anger and frustration. They shared a long gaze. Holly suddenly felt as if an equation she hadn’t realized was incomplete had solved itself in her head. Sue the spinster, with no visible private life. Solve for the simplest answer.

  More gently, Holly said, “Maybe you do.” Something new flared in Sue’s gaze. She’s afraid, Holly realized. Tori is expendable as long as her secret is safe. “Maybe that makes you worse than he is.”

  Sue’s mouth thinned to a pale line. “Don’t make this harder, Holly.”

  Holly dismissed Jim with a flick of her eyes. “I’ll make it simpler. She goes, I go.”

  2

  Among Aunt Zinnia’s many rules for the comportment of girls and women was: “Threats are promises. Decent women keep their promises.”

  Holly had made a threat and she had carried it out. With dignity and pride, she told herself.

  “You didn’t have to go and get yourself fired.” Tori stared fixedly out the passenger window as they drove toward Tori’s home in nearby Costa Mesa. One hand nervously fiddled with a hanging thread that had resulted when her sweater sleeve had snagged on something deep in her file cabinet. Sweaters can be replaced, Holly thought, but not one that so precisely matched the smoky topaz of Tori’s eyes. Aunt Zinnia would categorize Tori’s fashion sense as “smart,” her second-highest compliment. The top was “classy,” which was reserved for royalty and Jackie O. Holly had never achieved either level.

  “Technically, I wasn’t fired. I resigned.” Holly turned up the wiper speed and slowed down a little. “Besides, you needed a ride home.”

  She meant it as a joke, but Tori shot her a guilty look. “Now I feel even worse.”

  “I’m teasing. I had no idea you were commuting with Geena. What were you going to do, wait in the lobby for three or four hours?”

  “Geena could pick me up early—” The rest of Tori’s answer was cut short by the chirp of her cell phone. “Finally! That has to be her.”

  Holly had no choice but to listen, though she pretended to be wholly absorbed in driving.

  “I’m so glad you called — oh honey…” Tori choked. “I got fired. That fucking bastard Felker, that’s who. I think I will — do you still know that lawyer? Holly says he was making all these remarks about us. Holly — Markham, yeah, the math whiz. You won’t believe this — you still there? It’s always bad when it rains. Anyway, she quit in protest. She’s driving me home. No. No, I’m sure. Not family. Oh God, honey, I can’t believe this is happening…”

  She wouldn’t be able to tell Clay about it until later tonight, even though he was probably home by now. His Thursday schedule was light. It wasn’t exactly news she wanted to give over the phone. After she left Tori’s she had a scheduled duty call on Aunt Zinnia. She stifled a grin. Aunt Zinnia would be appalled that Holly had quit over such a matter. I probably shouldn’t be feeling quite so happy, Holly told herself. This is a tragedy for Tori. But it felt like a triumph to her.

  Tori directed her to a 1920s bungalow not far from the 405 in northern Costa Mesa. She accepted the offer of coffee — they’d both gotten soaked putting their boxes in the backseat and trunk. Holly could not believe that she’d accumulated so much junk in six years. To add to their chill, her old Taurus had stopped providing heat a few weeks earlier. It really was time for a new car, but she hadn’t yet broached the subject to Clay. Clay had strong feelings about buying something new when the old thing could be repaired. One of those sixty-five-miles-to-the-gallon hybrid cars was awfully appealing. Of course, being unemployed, perhaps it was not the best use of her savings right now. Clay was right, fixing the heater would be much cheaper and more responsible to the planet.

  “You want to make that coffee Irish?” Tori hefted a slender bottle into view. “I’ve got some whipped cream, I think.”

  “Sure, why not?” Spontaneity seemed to be the watchword of the day. Red meat, alcohol and quitting her job; she was racking up quite a list. They sipped companionably and talked about everything except what had just happened. Holly was amazed that pressing research problems she’d been pursuing, that had seemed so important to complete, no longer mattered at all to her. She had walked away without a backward glance, at least where the work was concerned. The work was Sue’s problem now.

  She would miss her co-workers — the Friday night ice cream socials they had in the summer, the Wednesday afternoon popcorn parties. Monday morning she’d be craving the special high-caffeine blend they’d perfected just for the beginning of the work week. She would miss the birth of Romy’s baby and the big celebration they’d been planning for Jamillah’s retirement. She had e-mail addresses and phone numbers. She would make an effort to keep in touch. As she left, she’d also made a point of formally saying good-bye to everybody. Ng and Liz had been in tears while Sue had looked on, more grim with each passing moment.

  “We’ll both be able to find new jobs — I bet within a week,” Holly observed when Tori began to look depressed again.

  “I know — but I liked Alpha because it was so close to home. But now I’m leery of working for any of the other local companies. Felker belongs to the actuary society. What if he tries to get me blackballed?”

  Holly said honestly, “I wouldn’t put it past him. He was always hinting that there was something wrong with you. Not your work, but you. I was too obtuse to put two and two together. For me, pretty ironic.”

  Tori’s eyes filled with angry tears. “Bastard. What does he know about me? So I sleep with a woman. Does he know I also support my dad? Does he care that I have a house payment to make and that I’m still paying off my student loans?”

  “He doesn’t care. Once he realized you were a lesbian that’s all he could see. Everything you did was tainted by it.”

  “Shit — I mean, most of the time, minute-to-minute, I forget I’m gay. I mean, I’m just not thinking about it all the time. Like I don’t think about the fact that I’m blond either. I just am. Okay — every payday when I saw the taxes I paid because I got Geena’s health insurance through Alpha I thought about it because it made me mad, it’s so unfair. Damn — her insurance, too. I’ll need to find a place where I can insure her. After COBRA runs out I wouldn’t want her to be stuck with the crappy university health insurance.”

  “Tell me about it.” Geena and Clay worked at different colleges, in different state-regulated systems, but the benefits were all the same for part-time instructors. It was probably just as well that she’d never added Clay to her benefits as her domestic partner. It would have saved them some money, but Clay was intellectually opposed to unnecessarily registering with any kind of government agency, and they couldn’t get the coverage unless they registered as domestic partners.

  “There was a really gay-friendly company in West Hollywood that wanted me, but that commute is horrible. It’s two hours each way on the four-oh-five. Geena might be able to change colleges — there’s UCLA and Cal State Long Beach, though it would be a step down to leave the U.C. system for Cal State. Not when she’s so close to tenure. Oh.” Tori stopped abruptly. “No offense, sorry.”

  Holly smiled reassuringly. “It’s the truth, and Clay knows it. University of California standards are higher and it looks better on a resume. I went to Irvine because my mother did. Clay went there, too. But he’s happy teaching at Fullerton. He knows if he wanted to teach at Irvine then he would have to finally finish the dissertation, but I think he feels it’s too late to keep up with the publish or perish requirements. Too many arbitrary academic hoops to jump through.”

  “Isn’t that the truth? Geena went through hell. Writing papers was always easy, until her dissertation, then she just hit a wall. She told me once she felt like she was bleeding every word onto the page and all without knowing if anyone would take it seriously. But she finally finished and got her doctorate. She hates the publish or perish thing, but she loves teaching and research.”

  “Clay really l
oves the teaching. He’s very devoted to his students — lots of office hours, molding young minds, and all that.” The Irish coffee was chasing away the chill.

  “Yeah, that’s what Geena gets off on. I just wouldn’t want to uproot her, not for a job.”

  “You’ll find something ideal. You’re too good not to.” Holly tried to be reassuring. “I don’t know if it would help but I’d be glad to give you a reference.”

  Tori visibly tried to calm herself. “Thanks. I may need it. I just don’t want to move. I don’t want to be that far from my dad. I like to stop by a couple of times a week, just to check on him.”

  “You shouldn’t have to live someplace special to be treated like everyone else,” Holly said.

  Tori blinked. “That’s very enlightened. If only everyone thought the way you do.”

  Holly shrugged. She’d never really thought about what gay people had to put up with it, but she was sympathetic. It had always seemed to her that the rights of gay people were restricted only because of other people’s religious convictions. That wasn’t supposed to the way things worked in this country. “It just seems fair.”

  There was a bustle at the front door and Geena hurried in. “Oh, baby, I’m so sorry…”

  Tori began to cry in earnest, angry and hurt tears. Holly turned her gaze away from their embrace because it was an intimate thing, Geena’s arm wrapped firmly around Tori’s waist, Tori’s forehead pressed into Geena’s shoulder, as if they were meant to fit exactly like that.

  She stood up to go, both because she wanted to give them privacy and because it was time to weather both the traffic and the storm to reach her aunt’s.

  Geena was wiping Tori’s tears away with her thumbs. “We’ll be fine, you know that.”

  Tori took a deep breath. “I’m not crying over it anymore. Bastard. And Sue! I can’t believe she didn’t stand up for me, either. Just Holly.” She sniffed.

  Geena gave Holly a taut smile. “Thank you for driving her home. I left as soon as I could.”